Jacob

If Jacob had a character trait, it would be that he is boring. I seriously cannot summon up a single personality quirk about the guy. He just hangs out and is a guy.

"If my personality had a flavor, it would be soggy toast."

There's some mention of him and Miranda having history in an attempt to stir up some drama, but it simply doesn't work. Not only do he and Miranda have zero chemistry, they also worked at a rigidly organized Cerberus lab. He was head of security. She was head researcher. If Cerberus is as professional and guarded as we're led to believe, the idea that they would allow such a massive conflict of interest on the premises of their largest, most expensive project is just ridiculous.

Jacob has a loyalty mission involving his father. Naturally, it involves violence against women. Jacob tries to get worked up about it, but he's just so bland that all he can really do is recite some lines about how his father would never do such a thing/how his father has to answer for this.

I will give Jacob this, though: His face matches his voice extraordinarily well. Unlike Miranda, who looks like a Muppet flapping her jaws while someone else's voice comes from off screen, Jacob's voice-to-face matching is spot on. It doesn't save him as a character, but it made him strikingly well-grounded.

Let's talk about Jack next...